Free to be me

Ah, hello little blog. I’ve missed you.

The last time we met, my life was being governed by a sticker with my name on and some big decisions were being made. Since then, there’s been a lot of reflection time. OK, so the acupuncture appointments keep coming, and helping I hasten to add, but life didn’t quite go where I thought it might.

What I realised, but it took time, was that that particularly exciting path wasn’t the right one, not for that moment in time. It might appear again in the future – I’d like to think so – but if not, well, I may forever wonder ‘what if?’ but it can’t be helped.

The difficulty with that sticker, those three words (read the last blog if you’re completely lost), is that it would have had a major impact on my life. It was exciting, a challenge I always wanted to face, but it meant relinquishing everything of my current life, and I realised, I just wasn’t ready, mentally or physically, but it took a lot of effort to admit that.

Onward and upwards, I’ve managed to complete my life coaching course, so you know, if you want some advice on getting life sorted, I’ve got your back. After all, I’ve got through a lot of stuff, so you may as well have someone who knows what they’re talking about walking by the side of you.

By not leaping in with both feet and by taking stock, I’ve continued very much on the same path as before, although I’ve realised change, of some sort, is needed, and it’s me who can bring about that change, at my pace.

As a result, one of my big plans and wishes for the year is happening – my play is being performed. A few people who know me have moaned that I’m not in it. Look, I’ve been performing all my life. I fancied a change. Don’t begrudge me that, and I’ve an amazing cast of actresses to bring this story to life.

I’ve been able to expand the provision of offer at the youth club, and made some good headway with new contacts for work. I’ve recently been into a local primary providing whole class and 1:1 support in relaxation and confidence building, developed links with local businesses with the view to future collaborations, and designed courses that should be rolled out within the next few weeks too.

After an unhealthy 28 days of working solidly, and not realising it was this long, I took stock. I don’t normally work this hard for this long and I strongly discourage anyone from it. Slowly though things feel as though they are changing for the better. Today, whilst the beginning of a new start, it’s also tinged with a touch of sadness as I said goodbye to my little part-time job of 18 months as the contract came to an end. Although I’ve been winding down the hours over the past few weeks to help me focus on the new life and have a bit of breathing space to keep me sane, it was a bit weird driving home today realising that was the last time I would be there.

It’s strange. Should I be happy that a new chapter’s starting, grateful for what I’ve learnt, or sad to be leaving? Perhaps all three? I suppose when most of us leave a job it’s often because we’re so desperate to get out and seek new adventures that it feels like a relief, and in some ways, it’s a bit like that. In some ways, I suppose I’ve reached a natural conclusion to that chapter, the pinnacle of that role, other’s now need my expertise, but I have to recognise that 18 months ago, I was still getting through the worst moments of my own mental health battle and suddenly I was back working for an employer. 18 months ago I didn’t think I would ever be working again, so there’s definitely positives to take away.

So, what will the future bring this time? I’ve a few options available to me and a wealth of support and expertise beside me. I can be in charge of those decisions when I’m ready. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt like I do today. I like the idea that something magical feels just on the horizon and that I’m in control of that, more so than ever before. I feel more in charge of my life now than I think I ever have and that is something very exciting. Who’ll join me on the journey?

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